Relationships and the Church: A Sense of Belonging

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A Sense of Belonging

I think that most of us want feel that we belong, that we belong to something that validates us and that is worthwhile belonging to; something we can be part of. But what does it mean to belong? How does it feel to belong?

The first community of Christ followers displayed a sense of belonging:

42 All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals and to prayer.43 A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders. 44 And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. 45 They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. 46 They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity—47 all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved. (Acts 2:42-47 NLT)

How does that kind of belonging come about?

One of the qualities we value at Urban Bridge we have named loving relationships and it looks like this:
We will care for our neighbors and be part of their lives; eating together, laughing together, and even crying together. We are intentionally creating and nurturing relationships of accountability and honesty with individuals and their communities.

We worked hard to craft that value so that it accurately describes this community. This is a great value if you don’t mind me saying so. Who wouldn’t want to belong to a community with this value?

You may be saying to yourself, yeah, I would love to belong to a community like that. But what does it mean to belong at Urban Bridge Church?

What do I have to change or give up in order to belong? What is the cost, what are the expectations of belonging?

Much of what I say here is based on the research of Joseph Myers. He has written two books on the subject, “The Search to Belong: Rethinking Intimacy, Community and Small Groups” and “Organic Community”.

Let’s begin by clearing up some misconceptions about what it means to belong:

More time = more belonging?

The greater the amount of time spent in community, the more authentic the community will be. In fact you and I do not necessarily need to spend a lot of time to experience significant belonging. Have you ever said, “I just met you, but it seems like I’ve known you all my life”? YWAMers (Youth With A Mission) the world over have a strong sense of belonging, though they may not see colleagues and friends for years. What do YWAMers say about themselves “once a YWAMer always a YWAMer”

I have a sense of community and belonging with my Masters Degree cohort I only saw them for 4 weeks a year and I haven’t seen any of them for two years. I continue to correspond with only a few of them. Still I am looking forward to our reunion in 2011.

One of the challenges I face as a leader of this church is to limit the amount of time you and I spend at Urban Bridge. The problem is every time we implement another good idea – someone has to do it. I want you to have meaningful relationships in other spaces and other places. I want you to be a bridge between Christ and your culture.

More commitment = more belonging?

A relationship that involves commitment does not necessarily promote a greater experience of belonging. A married couple may feel very committed to their relationship, yet still feel the strain of not belonging to each other. How many times have you said yes to a project or organization and finished your term not because of belonging but because of commitment?

I recently had a conversation with one of you and I learned that your strong sense of commitment was tying you to responsibilities that made you not want to be here.

More purpose = more belonging?

No matter how much you believe in our commitment to social action or the creative arts you and I would rather worship where we feel we belong. Cheryl and I see some of our friends remain in churches that no longer fulfill their sense of purpose. But they remain. Why, because they belong.

More proximity = more belonging?

Face book and text messaging show us that physical proximity does not determine our sense of belonging.

Each of us passed by a number of perfectly good churches to be here today.

More small groups = more belonging?

Since the late 1970?s the church in the west has been trying to produce small groups; to become churches of small groups. Church leaders often say if you really want to be part of our congregation, participate in a small group. Yet the even the most successful small group churches rarely exceed 30% participation. We say that this is the best way to having meaningful relationship and personal spiritual growth yet for most of Christianity’s history small groups as we know them didn’t exist.

Time, commitment, purpose, proximity and small groups can be important qualities and each contributes to belonging but they are not the answer to belonging.

How do we know that we belong?

We belong when we feel that we feel we connect and the connection is significant.

We belong when we are committed to something meaningful to us.

We belong when we participate in a meaningful way.

Meaningful connection, commitment and participation:
For some of us meaningful connection, commitment and participation happen in a public space. Few at Urban Bridge know who you are and you are just fine with that, and so are we. In fact some of us belong to Urban Bridge because we needed to escape the over commitment of our former community and we need anonymity. You are making a meaningful connection you are committed and you are participating.

For some of us meaningful connection, commitment and participation happen in a social space: Urban couples, SOS, The HIV walk for Life: These are safe places where we can decide if we wish to go deeper.
You are making a meaningful connection you are committed and you are participating.

For some of us meaningful connection, commitment and participation happen in a personal space – an even smaller group. I am part of a smaller group – the creative design team that plans our Sunday gatherings. We are making a meaningful connection, we are committed and we are participating.

For a few of us are meaningful connection, commitment and participation is happening in intimate setting with one or two others where you bare your soul.

You are making a meaningful connection you are committed and you are participating.

None of these four spaces is more valid then the other and we move back and forth between them
This church wants you to grow important relationships in all four spaces. Four spaces to have significant connection to be committed and to participate.

What is non negotiable is that we be honest with ourselves, God and this community in our effort to belong.

Each us has two important responsibilities. One, that we make an honest effort to belong and two that we make an honest effort to help others belong.

I know from personal experience and from your stories belonging can be difficult to do. Regardless, we need each other. The Apostle Paul had this to say about our need for each other in community:

12 The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up one whole body. So it is with the body of Christ. 13 Some of us are Jews, some are Gentiles, some are slaves, and some are free. But we have all been baptized into one body by one Spirit, and we all share the same Spirit. [14 Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part.
26 If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.
27 All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it. (I Corinthians 12: 12-14, 26, 27 NLT)

Why belong?

1. Christ offered his life as an example. Christ belonged to a spiritual community. It was his custom. He even participated when he didn’t agree with everything that was being done.
2. Our combined effort is multiplied as we stick together in united passion and purpose.
3. We all need a support system and accountability. It keeps us off the streets.

The bottom line – Alone doesn’t work. We realize that a number of you want to belong to something smaller than this group that meets Sunday morning. Urban Bridge has a number of smaller groups that meet regularly they are different sizes with different purposes and they meet with different frequency at different times. Maybe you have an idea for something you don’t see. We will do our best to support you and help you create something new.

What can we do to help each other belong?